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My girlfriend recently broke up with me and i know its recent and im obviously gunna be upset but we didnt date for that long and she said she wasnt ready for a relationship and that she didnt have time for anything and i had before that relationship got out of a really bad one and didnt expect to like this girl, i honestly started falling really hard for her and i told her i was willing to wait for her and she said she wanted that but then she pushed me away i want her back what do i do?
You could try being patient with her and see where it goes. But I think it would be good to give her some space also. You don’t wanna suffocate her or make her feel like she’s forced to be in a relationship. By patient, I mean, be there for her if she needs you but still giving her the space that she needs so she can think and figure out things on her own.
If she’s pushing you away, you have to let her be. Don’t push yourself towards her because that’s only going to make her not want you even more.
We all have to heal ourselves first before we can get involved with someone fully. Otherwise, the relationship will be rocky and you guys will just experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Be patient and give her and yourself some time.
Long story: So I’ve been friends with this woman for about three years. About two years ago, I began to develop feelings for her. Now, at the time I was still in the military (we met when I was home on leave) and away from home. But we kinda talked a lot online (FB) I got out and moved back home and we kinda began talking more and more. At the time, she was talking to this guy that she loved that didn’t treat her right (typical) I never admitted my feelings for her because of what she was going through. I decided to wait and give her time and whatnot. Cut to a year later (last summer) and our friendship is getting stronger and stronger. We were learning more and more about each other and my feelings were getting stronger. One night we were talking and she got me to admit my feelings for her (she was joking around about me needing a GF) which was a huge weight off my chest. She told me that she kinda knew and was waiting for me to say something. A few days later, we made things official between us (glorious moment for me) I was the happiest man in the world because my patience had finally paid off. A few weeks later, she stopped talking to me. I tried over and over to contact her, but she ignored all my attempts. After she finally decided to talk to me, she told me pushed me away because she decided she was joining the military (she was kinda in a hardship) and she didn’t know what to say to me and that she’s not good at expressing herself. I was crushed, and spent pretty much the rest of the summer in an extremely depressing mood. We talked on and off after that, and after about a month she decided she wasn’t joining. We got to talking again and I explained to her that I couldn’t just be friends with her. We began talking and flirting pretty heavily over the next few months. One night while we were hanging out, I saw her texting the guy that she was talking to before and it upset me. I asked her about it later and she said that they still talked but, in her words, “not like that.” I thought nothing of it and just kept on. I finally told her this past January that I loved her. We were on the right track and things were looking good, but a few weeks later she stopped talking to me again. She told me she “wasn’t ready for anything serious” and kicked me to the curb again. Heartbroken again. About a month later, she started texting me again, and being the lovestruck idiot that I am, I accepted her back (third times the charm?) We hung out a few times, and I even got a kiss after a movie. Then AGAIN she pushes me away. Then, just like every other time, she starts talking to me again after some time away. She told me the reason she stopped talking to me was because she got back with him (what I suspected) Recently, she’s been talking to me a lot and asking to hang out which confused me. A mutual friend told me that she wasn’t really with him because he was supposedly moving away, and that’s probably the reason she turned to me. We still talk to this day, and I still love her more than anything in this world. She says she cares, which I kinda doubt because her actions say otherwise. I’ve been trying extremely hard to just forget about it all and push her away, but I can’t. I’m 24 and I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never fell for anyone as hard as I have her. I’m torn on what to do. I want to leave her alone so I can get over it all, but at the same time being with her is the only thing I want right now, but if that happens I’ll just feel like an option. *Sigh*
Thanks for your submission!
I honestly don’t know where to begin. But your story sounds very familiar as it reminds me of my own. In your case, you remind me of a guy that I know and this girl that you are so inlove with reminds me of myself. So, with that said, I’ll try my best to be objective on this matter.
She seems very unstable to me. According to your story, she seems like she doesn’t really know what she wants. She hasn’t really figured out things with herself and her ex (hence the back and forth thing) and you seem to be her safe haven.
I don’t blame you for having feelings for her. It looks like your love for her is so great that you would go to the ends of the ocean for her. You seem very secure of yourself and you know how you feel towards her which is her complete opposite.
When she says she’s not ready for anything serious, its best to believe her because it’s true. I know women tend to be confusing at times but watch her actions and you can see that as a proof. Not until she figures out what she really wants, will she be able to establish a healthy relationship with you. If it means that you have to give her some space (which doesn’t seem like a problem for you guys) then give it to her. She knows how you feel about her and she knows you have good intentions yet she would drop you in a second for her ex without any question. And according to you, she’s not being treated right which is yes very typical but these things happen.
Sometimes you think to yourself, why would she want to be with that guy that treats her so poorly when I treat her better and I’m here for her all the time and I’m pouring my heart out for her and she knows how much I love her? And that’s totally normal. No one can answer that question. No one really knows what is going on through her head, what she’s thinking…But what we know is that a part of her is hoping that he would change and they would try again and this time it would work. But this is what I mean by she has to know what she wants. She needs to figure things out herself and decide if she wants to keep trying over and over again with her ex and if she decides to do that then she needs to stop talking to you, (in respect for you ofcourse) because it’s unfair. It’s unfair because you have feelings for her and you will always, always fall for her from the moment she talks to you regardless of whatever situation you guys are in. And she knows this, she’s aware of this. She knows you are that person that’s going to catch her when she falls. So in short, you are right. She treats you as an option and that’s not right at all.
You need to talk to her and let her know how you’re feeling. Give her some space to figure her life out and what she wants and wants to do with you and her ex etc. Let her know how much this hurts you, what she’s doing to you.
I can’t tell you to stop pursuing her because you will end up doing what you want but what I will tell you is that, in the matters of the heart, you always have to think with your head as well. You can always love her as a friend (which you always have) but there comes a point where you need to realize if she’s even good for you or not. Because you don’t want this to be a cycle where she talks to you, then stops and talks to you again then stop. This cycle has to stop one way or another, it can’t go on forever.
Whatever you do, I hope you make the right decision. Always be there for her because at the end of the day, I know you care and you guys are friends and she definitely counts on you for support. But learn to protect yourself as well.
I'm 20 years old and currently in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. He's great, but lately things have gotten pretty lame. He's quite serious and I'm more outgoing and ready to live life. I've recently met this guy who I can't get outta my head and am starting to wonder if he's in my head for a reason. Am I being a total prick bc I'm complaining about a perfectly good relationship? I'm starting to think I want to be single and just have some fun. And I'm about to turn 21.
You’re not an asshole.
People change, feelings change all the time. Don’t feel bad for feeling whatever you’re feeling. I understand that you’ve been with your boyfriend for 3 years but 3 years is also a long time and both your views continually change within those 3 years.
Being in a relationship helps you find who you are, you find out things that you like, what you don’t like, what you want in a relationship etc. You guys grow together. You learn from relationships. You could be in a perfect relationship as you say (although there is no such thing…) but if your heart is not in it anymore, then why are you staying?
If you want to be single and have fun then by all means, be single and have fun. As long as you have thought about this very carefully and you have made it clear to yourself that this is what YOU WANT to do, then you must do it.
Some people live their life with regrets because they have refused to do things that they want because of something. And that something is usually not related to themselves. You have to remember to do things for yourself (I know it sounds selfish…) but it really isn’t. You need to make yourself happy for you to be able to make other people happy. Because if you’re not happy with yourself and the decisions you’ve made then how can you make others happy?
You’re 20 years old about to turn 21, you’re still very young and there’s many more things in this world that you will have to go through and learn. What’s important is to think about what you really want and what you want to do and if it means you have to be single then be single.
If your boyfriend really loves you and you guys really love each other, he will understand. Some people develop friendship after a break up, some don’t. But regardless of what happens, the relationship has taught both of you lifelong lessons that you’ll both carry with you for the rest of your life. So at the end of the day, it’s still a good thing even though it ended.
I hope you make the right decision and stay positive!
Good luck :)
Six months ago I met a guy, S. We had instant chemistry and connected very well, very natural. We flirt a lot, I’ve made it clear that I’m attracted to him and I care about him and he obviously likes me too, but we haven’t kissed or had sex because… He has a girlfriend (M) at home (in secondary school, S and I both university goers) whom he rarely mentions but still tries to stay faithful to. Actually, I’d say he did cheat on her the night we slept in each others arms, and every time he laid his head in my lap and shared his deepest secrets with me; and then I don’t count blatant flirting as infidelity. I never heard him say he wants to break up with her either.
This wouldn’t be a problem if my attraction to him was just based on lust and would fade off, or if our friendship was more on the platonic side, but that’s not the case. Every day I’m falling in love with him a little bit further, I miss him when he’s not around, I cherish every second I spend with him, he’s such a beautiful person inside out and he makes me feel valuable as well.
So, what do I do? Wait like a tick in a tree ‘till he comes around for me and leaves his girlfriend? I have faith that he will realize I’m more desirable than her, but how do I make the time from now to that moment less painful?
I try to date other guys but it’s like Bob Dylan’s Visions of Johanna: Louise, she’s all right, she’s just near / She’s delicate and seems like the mirror / But she just makes it all too concise and too clear / That Johanna’s not here.
A friend of mine told me to make it tell him how strong my feelings for him are getting and ask what the **** he thinks he’s doing with me if he won’t leave his girlfriend, but I’m afraid it’s too soon for that and an ultimatum will make him choose her over me because that’s safer right now, and it will create distance between us.
Also, I’m actually in a love quadrangle because his best friend (N) (who once dated S’s current girlfriend, M) is into me and I made the mistake of kissing him after a party. I broke the kiss off because I realised I didn’t have any feelings for him and the day after that I think he saw how besotted I am with S and now he treats me very coolly though we used to be great friends before the drama happened. I feel like I’m living in a Russian novel which isn’t exactly a good thing I guess. So, help me???
Hi Ms. Love Quadrangle,
Thanks for your submission.
Looks like you’re in a rut here.
Well, what I have to say about this is that its not your fault that you have fallen for this guy. I don’t blame you if you are continually liking S and growing feelings for him everyday. But regardless of whether you look at it this way or not, you are already like a tick in a tree waiting for him to come around for you. You do this subconsciously or consciously by being around him.
You said that you made it clear to him that you like him and he clearly likes you too but I’m thinking he doesn’t like you strong enough to leave his girlfriend behind to start a relationship with you. If he likes you so much then he would have left his girlfriend already to be with you since he shares his deepest secrets with you and you mentioned that you guys have even slept in each other’s arms before. It seems a bit harsh but do you even wonder why he has not taken the next step with you? It wasn’t even like you were being secretive about your feelings, you made it clear to him and he has not responded in his actions.
Liking you and being in a relationship with you is very different from just flirting with you. People flirt with other people all the time. He could just be flirting with you and not wanting any more than just flirting. You need to use your own discretion with this one because you deal with him more than I do and from what you told me, it seems like it’s just flirting.
What your friend said is right. I think the best way to deal with this is to tell him exactly how you are feeling and how strong your feelings are for him. If you’re scared to lose the friendship then you can keep quiet and not say anything. However, if you wait, that’s a choice that you’ve made and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that this is probably very hard for you because it seems to me that you really like S but you need to realize that for this to work, you guys need to be on the same page. If you are honest with him, you can tell him how you feel and see where his mind is at about this situation. Are you waiting for nothing? Or is he gonna leave his gf for you? What is he doing? Is he even thinking about the situation at all or no?
Have you seen the movie, “He’s just not that into you?”. There was a part in the movie about a love triangle about a married man and another girl. They had instant connection but the guy was married so they couldn’t pursue anything. However, they decided to stay “friends” and friends they were. The married man promised the girl that he would leave his wife for him. They spent alot of time together, slept in the same bed, did things that they’ve never done with anybody and the man even said that he’s never felt that way with anybody before. One day, the married man said to his wife that he’s slept with another girl hoping that the wife would say that they should divorce but instead the wife wanted to work things out. The married man was confused but went on about his daily life and one day in his office, the third girl came to visit him and they were about to have sex. Just before they start having sex, the wife comes knocking in his office door so the married man told the third girl to hide in the closet so she did. He then opened the door and sees his wife and because his wife said that she wanted to work things out, she tried to have sex with her husband and so they did. This was all happening while the third girl was in the closet. After everything, the wife left and he opened the closet only for the third girl to be crying and that was the end of whatever kind of relationship they had. Long story short, he said he would leave his wife, so the third girl waited but nothing happened.
Don’t waste your time over someone who has not given you a concrete reason to stay. And the only concrete reason S can give you is for him to leave his girlfriend to be with you if HE REALLY LIKES YOU LIKE HE SAYS HE DOES. Otherwise, he’s just not that into you.
Regarding making out with N, if you don’t like him, then you don’t like him. Sometimes we do things and not even know the reason behind it. Just make sure you don’t do it again because he’s into you and you don’t want to be breaking hearts of people just because you want to save yours.
I hope you make the right decision.
And I’m not by all means telling you to stop liking S because no one in this world, not even you can stop you from loving someone. We love people all the time, whether we like it or not, it just happens. But sometimes you need to be smart about making choices also to protect your own heart. So do it for yourself. Don’t close off yourself to others because you’re waiting for something that might never happen. There’s alot of other guys out there that sees you for more than what you think, N being an example.
You’re worth being in a relationship with!
I was involved with this guy in a relationship last may for about two weeks. we were really good friends at first and then he made the first move. over the summer his gf ended up finding out but they didn't break up til a few weeks ago when it happened again when we got back to school. he has been ignoring me for weeks now and i just really need some closure but he says he isn't ready to give me that. i know I'm the third party in this but it still hurts so much to be ignored like that. advice?
Respect his wishes and give him the space he needs.
I know you’re hurting but you need to realize that you are not the only one. He’s hurting too and his ex gf is hurting too.
I know you’re only asking for closure but he’s dealing with alot of other things in his personal life that you and I will never understand.
Frankly, ignoring someone or not communicating with someone is something that people do when they want to run away from their problems because they don’t want to deal with it. And I’m sure he just doesn’t want to deal with it right now.
Maybe because he doesn’t know what to do or there’s other things that’s going on in his life and he just doesn’t want to worry about it right now. But he has to sooner or later.
And if he doesn’t, then he hasn’t matured enough or learned from this experience but I’m hoping that you will.
Leave it be. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling but slowly learn to let it go. Don’t let this consume you.
I'm in a period of changes. I had dated my ex for about 2 yrs. He was my first real love. We even wanted to get married from almost the moment we met. Unfortunately, over the summer he had to move back home. He told me he loved me everyday. But about 2 months ago he decided to cut me off without a word. I still don't know why. It destroyed me, but I adapted. I'm even starting to see someone new. I know I deserve this chance to be happy with him. I'm just terrified.
It’s okay to be scared, this is a normal feeling that you’re having.
My advice for you is to do whatever it is that is making you happy right now.
I’m glad you’re seeing someone new and if this is going well for you then that’s good and you should definitely go for it.
You’ve already taken the first step, and that’s admitting to yourself that you deserve this chance to be happy and you really do.
Even though I said its okay to be scared, don’t let the unknown scare you.
You deserve to be happy, and happy you will be.
I’m sorry about your ex cutting you off without notice. Things like this happen all the time and it really hurts not knowing the reason why but just think of it as somewhat of a blessing.
Maybe someday you will find out the reason why he did such a thing or maybe you won’t. But regardless, don’t let this stop you from being happy.
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